Chattahoochee Mama

I want to highlight a few things regarding what I've already shared...

First, the reason I don't cater to making everything even and fair between my girls, is for their benefit. Life just doesn't work that way. They will not always accomplish the same things, receive the same prizes and accolades. They will not always have the same things, the same finances, the same opportunities. They are two different people, with different gifts, abilities, personalities, and resources. They cannot expect to live in comparison to one another, but must learn to do the best they can with who each of them is and what each has been given. They must find their own success, not match eachother's success.

Second, there are some things which I do deliver to both of them always - my love, for one. I do not make comparison statements to them. I try very hard to be equally encouraging, supportive, respectful, and helpful to each of them. I try to spend time with both of them together and separately, and to learn who they are as individuals so that I can comfort, nurture, and teach them as best as I can in the most beneficial way to each. I do not withold from one and give to the other in a malicious or punitive way.

As a result, I witness both of my girls growing confident in who they are as individuals. They are more willing to share with one another. They do not demand equality, but appreciate what they receive. And they are capable of dealing with times when something seems a bit unfair in ways that are resonable and healthy. 

Over a year ago, we took Wyatt to a park that we had never been to before. While trying to cross over a bridge, a younger child blocked his way. So after he politely said "please move" to no avail, he leaned over and opened his mouth - luckily we caught him before his choppers closed in on the poor little boy's head. We left the park that day after only 3 minutes. Recently we went back again and told him to have fun. We were surprised when he said, "Yes, and no bite other kids." That's right, honey.

Why is it that he can remember that one incident so clearly, but he can't rememember how to put his shoes on this morning? Or derobe himself before bedtime last week? He gets a forlorn look on his face and says, "I no know how, Mommy. I need help." Nice try, honey.

I mentioned that I have given up the idea that things must always be fair between my girls. Here are just two examples of what I mean:

1. I do not often buy "pairs" of toys. Many parents end up locking themselves into having to make sure that if one child gets something, the sibling must also get something and often the very same something.  They find themselves in a position where a tantrum ensues if this isn't the case. And because they have frequently given in, the child learns how to get what they want. My girls might both get a little something - but because of the different stages they are in, it might not be the same something. Sometimes they can choose to share, sometimes one just simply cannot have what the other has. Sometimes I will buy something for one and the next time we are out it will be the turn of the other sibling to receive something. My girls are learning to be grateful for whatever they do get when they get it - and not to demand something. They are learning to share with each other.

2. Hope recently started asking if she had "more" than Maddie whenever I serve them food. I found this strange because I've never spent time counting out grapes, for instance, to make sure they both have the exact same amount. So I've had to counter this with asking Hope, "Do you have enough for you, Hope?" I explain to her that she will not always have the same amounts of everything and that's the way it is. There is no need to compare. I say, "I will take care of what your needs are, you won't need to worry. And I will take care of whatever Maddie's needs are too, even when they are different."

Parenting siblings is an interesting feat. There is a fine balance between neccessary involvement and letting them have a relationship of their own without my constant interference. There is the challenge of raising two totally individual personalities, two different ages and stages, and in my case, the challenges that arise from siblings who are close in age and the same gender.

While it is an ongoing process, I feel like I am learning alot. And here is something - I've given up on always making everything fair and even. Life just doesn't work that way and someday we all have to face the facts.  And to be honest, it works out better for me too!  Because, my girls are learning how to deal with that in ways that are positive and healthy... and they don't drive me crazy over little stuff. I share some examples with you to illustrate this in part 2 of this post.